Friday, May 27, 2005

Another Disorder. I Suffer, I Suffer, I Suffer...

Again...a total lack of devotion to my blog. I apologize, dear reader(s), for leaving you wandering aimlessly, wondering when, when will the next installment come.

I must admit, I have been lured away from my blogging by brief apparitions of a great ball of fire in the sky. I'm not sure what it is but I feel I've seen it somewhere before...

Also, for some reason, the sightings of this fire ball in the sky seem to motivate me to purchase plants. So far, I have bought a myriad of things ranging from a scraggly plastic cup of oregano to a 4 foot tall lilac bush which I toted home from Maryland.

Why I buy these plants remains somewhat of a mystery to me.

You say "Obviously, Ms. Quintessence, you purchased them to plant around your vast estate, thereby enhancing not only the curb appeal of your home but your quality of life as well."

You would think that. But no. Apparently, I buy them so they accumulate willy nilly, still in nursery pot, all about my patio. Right now there are no less than 20 plants waiting to be relocated to their permanent homes. The Maryland lilac is lying in sweet repose because, I guess, it got tired of waiting. It's almost kind of sad. Like a little plant refugee camp. Some will never make it.

One must wonder why I do this. My only guess is that I suffer from Light Requirement Denial Syndrome.

Light Requirement, for those of you whose thumbs run a little more to the brown side of the color scale, is the type of light a plant needs for optimum growth. Some plants can take a little sun and a little shade; some prefer morning sun; some can take the heat of an afternoon sun. Whatever the case, if you want a plant that does anything but sit there and be green, you are going to need some sun.

Now before you gardeners out there go all Martha Stewart on me, I know there are some full shade plants out there that will flower, but let's get realistic here. You aren't going to find many big, bold colors ala nasturtium or dahlia growing under trees - at least not in Pennsylvania.

"But" you say, "there are plenty of shade plants with colorful foliage!"

Oh, that's right. Let's see... Colorful foliage... Well, there's green which one can find in hostas. Then there's light green which can be found in another form of hosta. And then there's dark green which is displayed beautifully Oh! Then there is green and white or green and yellow found in, you guessed it, hostas.

Let me take this moment to show you some pictures of my yard...

Here, we have a hosta. Lovely specimen...

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And here...some more hostas...

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Oh! And what is this?

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Why, a crap lode of hostas. That's what.

And here we have...

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...more freaking hostas.

So, you see, it's not that I don't appreciate hostas and the oh-so-special verdure they add to my yard. But for cryin' out loud, if you had to eat salad for every meal, you would get to the point where you would want a big, bloody steak not because you like steak, and not because you are becoming protien deficient, but just to have SOME COLOR OTHER THAN GREEEEEEN ON YOU PLATE EVERY SINGLE DAY AFTER DAY AFTER GREEN FREAKING DAY!!!!!!!!


So you can probably deduce from the copious hostas in my yard that we are somewhat lacking in sunlight. Somewhat lacking...well, let's be honest. It's downright nonexistant. My property has an SPF of 1,970,236,234,758,345 squared. I can lay naked on my front walk from 10am to 2pm every day in July and end up whiter than when I started. Ok, maybe red from all the mosquito bites but I certainly wouldn't have a tan. By the way, I never actually tested this theory so stalkers, don't get your hopes up.

None of this, however, stops me from pulling my money from my pocket when I see a nice plant at the nursery, farmer's market or, yes, even the grocery store. I tote the little innocents home, promising lots of sunlight, mulch and regular feeding with a balanced fertilizer until August and - here's the really sad part - I believe myself! I really think I'm going to find somewhere to put this thing where it will have some small prayer of making an attempt at photosynthsis. And I know better! It's not going to happen. Not unless it falls out of my car onto the road as I make the turn into the driveway because that's about the last place you're going to see the sun when you come to my house.


Some people drink heavily. Some people worry excessively. I buy plants that require full sun. What can I say? It's hard when you have Light Requirement Denial Syndrome.

If you need me I'll be in my yard conducting experiments to see if hostas contain any vitamin D...

PS to Sister - You didn't take enough hostas this weekend.


cuz E said...


I'll trade you 10 poison Ivy plants for 10 hosta's. Seems that deadly ivy guards every entrance to to the woods. It's like they cleard all of this freakin'land and planted what ----grass--- now I spend my weekends --MY GET AWAY WEEKENDS TO THE COUNTRY--- cutting @#$%ing grass.. and worse than that these Savitskis plant poison Ivy as a boarder.

How much do you think we can resell for?????

anne said...

Goats! Goats I say!

What you need to do - and, apparently what I need to do as well - is get a goat or two. For, not only do I have a plethora of hostas, I also have poison ivy. On my property and, can you believe it, my arms. I hear goats love the stuff. So, problem solved. Except, I don't really like goats. But if you and Nancy get one, I'd be happy to rent it for a couple of days.

Cuz E said...

I was hopeing that Nan and I could borrow it from you. We would only want it on weekends. We'd even pay for it. But you need to have it the majority of the time. It would not do well in our 700 square foot apartment.

Jozet said...

I am currently de-lawning my lawn to transplant all the hostas I done took. I tried to make more of a dent, I promise. I'll come back for more. I'm challenging myslef to have as little lawn as possible.

By the way, you could try some Ladie's Mantle. Of course, there you got your medium green and chartruese (no, I'm not looking it up) green flowers.

Oh, and that there annual leafy plant that all grandmothers have in their gardens...what is it?...colostrum or something like that? No wait...that's breast milk. Uh, you and yellow and leaves? Corpus Conundrum? Colera? What is that plant called?


Jozet said...

Coleus! And Lady Mantle!