Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A Sure Sign You Married The Best Man In The World

You are lying in bed. Alone.

He woke up before you.

After about an hour or so, he walks back into the bedroom with a breakfast sandwich of fresh eggs from your own chickens, kilbo, and cheese on a freshly baked biscuit. Complimenting the entree is a hot cup of joe, with just enough milk and sugar - just the way you like it.

He hands you the sandwich and coffee and says...

"There. I bet Mr. Darcy never did that for What's-her-face."

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Cannot Tell A Lie

Actually I can. But apparently not to everyone.

Soooooo...without further ado...

1. I took a gun to school.

You know, I have to wonder what is up when absolutely NO ONE picked this. What, do I look like one of the trech coat mafia? Apperently so.

Well, it IS true that I did indeed take a gun to school. I did not threaten my algebra teacher, even though I would have been the high school hero.

No, the gun was merely a prop for my Demonstration Speech in English class. My topic? How To Clean A Gun. Not that I was demonstrating any particular skill 90% of the class didn't already have.

You know, when I ok'd this with my teacher and principal, the only requirement was that I keep the gun IN MY LOCKER until it was time for class. How crazy is that idea now a days?

Moving right along...

2. My hubby and I broke into our house the night before we bought it.

Again, I have to wonder about the kind of vibes I put out into cyberspace as only one person picked the breaking and entering as the lie. This might give me a complex or something.

It would be well deserved because we did break into the house the night before we bought it. But we had good reason to. At least in our minds.

You see, the house we bought was sold at auction.

And let me just take a little break here for a public service announcement.

Don't ever buy a house at auction. Unless you have a spare mind and soul.

Back to our regularly scheduled post.

We went to the open house because Hey! a farm in our area! Going for auction! Woo hoo! But while we were at the open house, we spent most of our time wandering around thinking "Wow" and "Wouldn't it be cool?" and such. NEVER thinking we would actually buy the darned place.

Flash forward a week and a half to when we decided "Why not? At least give it a try."

So we prepared ourselves to go to the actuion and watch in dismay as the price spiralled ever upward, out of our reach. But! We forgot the fact that we never really looked at the house. You know, with the discriminating eye of a person that actually intends to live there.

We knew there wouldn't be time to check things out - like the elcetircal system and heating system - the day of the auction so it was decided that we had to break in.

See? We had to do it.

Fortunatly, the house was vacant. For something like ... oh.... 7 years. So no big worry there. Also fortunately, one of the windows was left open so we technically didn't "break and enter". It was more like "gently push the window open and enter". I think the sentence for that crime is a little more relaxed.

Here's a funny little aside to that story. As if the story itself isn't crazy enough. When my hubby was in the basement checking out the furnace, I was sitting at the top of the basement steps going through a box of letters that I found on a shelf. Now remember, this was at night, so we were doing everything by flashlight. So there I am, merrily reading along when, all of a sudden, the door behind me opens and there is a flashlight shining right in my face (Hello? Deer in headlights? Hi!) and a gruff voice saying "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???!!!"

To which I replied ", hummina, hummina..."

And then my dear, darling hubby said "It's me."

And then I threw the box of letters down and set upon him in all my fury for having been made to almost wet my pants.

Ah me. That's a nice little story, isn't it?

So, yeah, I broke into my house.

Which brings us to...

3. I have had a needle in my foot since I was 9 years old.


I still remember the day I stepped on this needle and the sickening feeling when in snapped off in my foot. The sickening feeling didn't come from the pain of the needle going into my foot. Nor did it come from the knowledge that is broke off in my foot, a situation that could lead to all sorts of possible complications, not the least of which was having a piece of needle float through my bloodstream and get stuck in my brian.

No, the sickening feeling came from the thought of having to tell my mom.

So I didn't.

For about 3 or 4 months after I got the needle in my foot, I had a little black spot at the point of entry. I remember sitting on the floor one day and pressing on the black spot and having a piece of the needle come out. Eewww, I know.

So, problem solved.

Or was it?

Then, much later in life, when I was 23 or so, I was doing some home rennovations on our first house and spending a lot of time going up and down a ladder. During the course of the project, I had been wearing $2 tennis sneakers - the kind that give no support whatsoever, especially for folks spending a lot of time on a ladder.

Anyway, I ended up with a REALLY sore foot. So sore that I actually thought I might have broken it stepping down off the ladder or something. I finally broke down and went to the ER where they x-rayed my foot. The doc looked at the x-ray and said "You know, you have a needle in your foot?" And I was all "Really?!! Wow! That's been ther forever!"

We - the doc and I - decided that it made me a much more interesting person so we decided to leave it in there.


4. I rode in a motorcycle race.


But I have every intention of doing it one of these days.

5. I rafted a Class 5 whitewater river.

Yes indeedy I did. It was the Gauley River and I'll just let the river folks tell you about it...
The Gauley River
The Gauley River is one of the most challenging in the world. The Upper Gauley is highly technical, requiring great skill to negotiate its narrow chutes and machine-gun rapids. It ranks in the top five in the world for whitewater adventure. The Lower Gauley is a complete, all-in-one rafting experience that features numerous big Class IV and V rapids interspersed by broad pools and tremendous scenery.

Pretty impressive, huh? You might also be impressed to know that we did this in the fall and it was REALLY, REALLY cold. You might also be impressed to know that we drove there from PA, arriving shortly before shove off time, rafted 22 MILES of crazy river, and then drove right back home.

You will probably not be impressed to know that we all cried like babies all the way home because our arms were SO SORE. So sore. I ache even now just thinking about it.

Which brings us to...

6. I caught a runaway cow.

Oh yes I did! Actually it was me and hubby. We were in New York, having a little vacation at my parents' cabin. I forget exactly where we had been but we were on our way home and, what do you know, a cow! Just moseying along the road. We drove past it and just looked at each other like "That was a cow. Not in a fence."

So we turned around and went back, caught the wayward cow, and brought it back to it's farm.

Now a days I'd probably try to find a way to just bring it home.

So! There you have it!

And the winner, drawn by lottery from all correct guessers, is....


Nadzent! Or my couzint-in-law, Nancy!

And she wins a box of Tasteykakes!!!! Woo hoo!!!

I'll have to email you and let you know what kind are at the store.

Thank you all for playing!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Painless poverty is better than embittered wealth

“You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them,” Obama said. “And they fell through the Clinton Administration, and the Bush Administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Some folks might be wondering what a person from the mining towns of Pennsylvania might think about this. I shall attempt to enlighten yous all forthwith.

Wait. Let me put my gun down. There we go.

…my opinion on the comme…


Hold on, my rosary keeps getting tangled in my fingers as I type. Leeeet me just put that right over here. There, I hung it on the scope of my rifle.

Ok. Now where was I? Ah yes, the quote from Mr. Obama.

Well, you know, when the mines all closed 25 years ago it was really har…

What? They what? More than 25 years? Since after WWII? Really?

Well how do you suppose that mix up happened? The mines done went and closed a whole long time ago. Way more than 25 years. Sheee-ut. Whaddaya know?

And I can really sympathize with the folks that say the unions brought them down. Of course they did! It’s the unions whut’s wrong with Merica anyway. Anyone knows that. The unions destroyed our great and mighty nation with things like safe working conditions and such. How’s a body to make a profit anymore? Dang.

Anyway, I think I’m getting off track here. So, yeah, lack of jobs. Why, most everyone I know is on the dole. I’m third generation unemployment myself. Because there wadn’t nuthin’ but mines here. No stores. No other factories. Nuthin’.

‘Cept Wal-Mart.

Once them mines left, why, the only new thing that came into town is Wal-Mart. The government brought that in, you know.

So’s we’re bitter now. Real bitter.

Specially ‘cause Wal-Mart don’t sell no Merican made stuff. We don’t like buyin’ nuthin’ twadn’t made in Merica. But it’s cheap, so that’s not so bad after all. But us folk ‘round here just don’t understand that Wal-Mart’s gotta go getting stuff from outside of Merica. We want cheap stuff made in Merica. We’re all An-ti-trade.

And bitter.

An’ they brought immigrants and not-coal-region-people in to work at Wal-Mart, makin’ sure to keep us folks oppressed. Sure they did. Which makes us even more bitter.

And turnt us all An-ti-immigrant.

It don’t make no never mind that all those miners was immigrants to begin with. We only have room for so many and we don’t want no one else comin’ round an immigrantin’ the place all up. We don’t want them here ‘cause the mines closed, see?

Why it’s gotten so bad we had to turn to God ‘n guns. We hold a requiem mass every Sunday for the coal industry and then we all go out to our local former breaker and give a 21 gun salute.

And it’s a shame ‘cause we never even knew what God and guns was before the mines closed.

I have to hand it to Mr. Obama, he came here not knowin’ much about us here folks and he hit the nail right on the head. Shoot, he’s pretty smart for a politician.

If they’d just open them mines back up, we could stop goin’ to church, huntin’ deer, avoiding Chi-Chi’s…

It’s a good thing we don’t have to worry about stuff like the war, the economy, the environment, health care an such. Thinkin’ about that stuff might get us all confused onnacounna we got our heads all busy with being bitter ‘bout the mines closing. It’s a good thing we got folks that know words like “antipathy” taking care of things.

I only got one gripe an’ one gripe only with what you said, Mr. Obama, and that is, if you done went an’ scared off all those immigrants I was plannin’ on sellin’ goat meat to, I’ll show you what bitter really is.

I was the son of an immigrant. I experienced bigotry, intolerance and prejudice, even as so many of you have. Instead of allowing these thing to embitter me, I took them as spurs to more strenuous effort.
- Andre Bernard Buruch

*I didn't forget about the Pick The Lie prize. I promise I'll take care of it this week.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Just Popping In...


Ok, I promise that very soon I will address the former post and let you know who the winner is and what, in fact, they have won.

But in the mean time, here is something very important and interesting for you to read.

Monsato's Harvest of Fear

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Meme me me me me meeeeeee.......

Ok, so I got a little jumpstart from Blog Antagonist with a meme thing. Which is a good thing because I keep thinking to myself "I really should post something on the ol' blog."

One of these days I'll sit down and write a real post again. As opposed to this post, which is just a figment of your imagination.

So, the meme is to tell 6 unimportant things about myself, with one of those things being a fib. A falsehood. A big, fat lie. And you, my dear readers, are supposed to guess which of these things is not like the other, in that it is not fact.

Ok, bombs away.

1. I took a gun to school.

2. My hubby and I broke into our house the night before we bought it.

3. I have had a needle in my foot since I was 9 years old.

4. I rode in a motorcycle race.

5. I rafted a Class 5 whitewater river.

6. I caught a runaway cow.

Ok, now for the fun part! You guess which is the lie and post it in the comments section. And, in the spirit of my Meme-or, I am also going to offer a prize to the winner of a random drawing from all the corrct answers. Or all the answers if no one guesses correctly.

And the prize will be ... I don't know ... um ... well, something special.

Good luck!

Oh, and I have to tag 6 people.

So, Professor J, my seestor, my couzint-in-law, steph, pocklock, and my brudder-in-law.