Friday, June 10, 2005

The Ugly, The Bad and The Good

Hi folks.

I know the title is a little backwards but I figure most people like to get the good news last. Also it will keep you on your toes.

So, first The Ugly...

Most of you who read this know my dear seestor and you can pretty much figure on how the genetic chips fell. For those of you who don't, I will give a quick summation. My dear older sister got the looks, the body, the brains, the wit, the talent, etc.

I got...um...well...I got my grandmother's really big arms which would probably be good for working the fields of Poland. And...I got...um...a pretty good tolerance for heat and loud noises...which would be good for...um...working the fields of Poland during a war in the summer. And I got...um...well...I suppose that's it.

So anyway, it is only when the planets align perfectly perfect that I can look at myself in the mirror, smile and say "Well...that'll have to do." And that, my friends, is a good day.

It just so happened that I was on my way to one of those good days recently. For some strange reason my hormones, which have waged a continuouse battle on my face since age 11, decided to have a cease fire. One day of no zits, blotches or blemishes. One good day out of my entire life. It was nothing short of a miracle, my friends. I went into the bathroom to get ready for work, looked in the mirror and realized this, this is the day I have been waiting for all my life. I could cast aside the concealer saying "Not today, Covergirl. I don't need you!"

And then...

Who knew? I mean, really. I was just getting a shower. And I don't even really have nails! Whhaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!

I was washing my face, for cryin' out loud! I just went to splash some water on my soapy face, misjudged and OW! I gouged a rather large chunk of skin right out of my chin. A gouge! Out of my chin! What the crap??!! That is so unfair!

So, instead of having a small little red spot on my face that I could hide with make-up, I had a huge wound pulsing deep, red blood.

Sigh.

When I got into the office my co-worker told me I looked like I fell off my bike.

No sympathy.

And now...The Bad...

So, if any of you read the last post, you know my teenage son now has his driver's permit. And I was worried about it. Silly me. How misguided was my concern.

For, lo! He bought himself a dirt bike. Not just a dirt bike like BMX bicycle. No, no. This is a motorcycle dirt bike ala Evil Knievel. Hello, it's a freaking RACING BIKE. Like FAST. Sigh, again.

You know, it didn't really bother me too much because he's been riding since he was 6. It's not like this is anything new. And, to be honest, I'm kind of proud of him. He worked at odd jobs and saved up the money himself. He found the bike himself and now it's in our garage.

The clever among you may say "Why is it in the garage? Why isn't he out riding it?"

Yeah, well...

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That would be his tooth. Or, more appropriately, the lack of his tooth.

You see, he did go out riding. And jumping. And crashing. And then for an emergency root canal. And then for x-rays on his face. Did I mention that he hasn't even been out of school for a full week yet?

So, next week we get to go see the orthodontist about a new tooth.

As for me, I'm pushing for a gold cap. You know, for that gangsta look.

And by now, we're all about ready for...The Good

Well, I'm a proud new mother. I've waited for months and now, my little one has arrived.

Not a BABY for Pete's sake! What the heck it the matter with you?!!

Of this...

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Yes...it's a Martin. A beautiful, baby Martin.

My dear hubby - did I mention how much I love him? - got it for me as a birthday present.

The story is, I found the guitar I wanted and decided I would save up, little by little, to buy it. I printed out the information on it, drew a little "This-Is-How-Much-I-Raised" thermometer next to the picture, and stuck it on the refrigerator. My plan was that, by looking at the guitar every day, I would be motivated not to spend my money on anything frivolus like food and, instead, save my money for the guitar. I suppose my hubby figure I'd be long ago starved to death by the time the guitar actually arrived so he went and ordered it for me.

What a guy!

Did I mention how much I love him? And really, it's not just because he got me a Martin. Really, it's not.

No, really.

So, there you have it, The Ugly, The Bad and The Good. Just another day in the life...

6 comments:

Jozet said...

First of all, you got the blonde hair with the natural wave. So, shut up.

AND you tan, don't burn. AND AND you are entering your prime years and your kids are both about to be off to college (relatively speaking), whilst I, on the other hand, will be a Girl Scout Leader forever.

AND AND AND you are a freaking funny and fabulous writer, and you have killed a deer with, as I seem to recall, your bare hands.

Second, Holy Hotrod, that really is a knocked-out tooth. What was your first reaction? Jeez...next time, tell your son that if he's saving up for a new bike, he needs to save up another extra couple of bucks for bridgework.

Third...nice guitar! And of course you love your husband for more than his gift guitars. But, you know...nice guitar!

Seestor

Michael Plank said...

You got the better husband and the bigger... uh... house.

Cuz E said...

So I see your son's tooth, so perhaps he can ride his new dirt bike over to my place and help shovel 120 tons of modified all over my driveway. That could at least help pay for a new helmet with a face guard. I have plenty of weekend manual labor I can employ him in. In fact I can make him so tired all he'll want to do is sleep and you won't have to worry about driving at all.

Also I have to say all of those negative self comments. Well it's a good thing you got all of those fields to work and all of those Hosta's to harvest-keep your mind occupied. (btw-you ain't fooling anyone who knows ya) miss blondie blonderton

And lastly when you were haveing the kids I thought "crazy" and now that some of us (other cuz) are knee deep in 'em and the rest of us are just undertaking the process, turns out you were crazy- Crazy like a fox-- you will be done and free and I'll just be covered in poo and poison ivy.

A few asides. Frank the neighbor claimed to me that our creek has "magic healing powers" when it comes to poison Ivy. Well I spent Sat afternoon splashing around and I have to say that all of the poison Ivy that I had on sat. has just about totaly vanished and stopped itching (almost immediately) Now they only PI I seem to have is the stuff I got on Sunday.

What kind of Martin is it? you know you have a musician gearhead reader and you left out such important details. Shame on you.

What is this deer bare hands story. I once killed one with a tire iron.

anne said...

Oh for goodness sake! Hey, I wasn't fishing for compliments or anything but, you guys go!

Anyway-

Jozet-
I'll trade you my hair for your metabolism ANY DAY. Like how about today, maybe. Then I might be able to wear a swim suit by next year.
And the deer thing - well, there was a gun involved...
Yes, the tooth. Ugh. My first reaction was to put my face in my hands and say "Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!" I think I handled it pretty well.

Mike-
Hey! I didn't even know you read this. And you know what they say, the bigger the, uh, house, the further they fall... I can't say anything about the hubby comment because the ol' man reads this as well but I'm sure you are just as wonderufl!

Cuz-
Sorry to hear you are battling poison ivy again. Although, that magical stream sounds pretty cool!
Regarding the full face helmet - he has one and still managed the toogh knock-out. Amazing.
Regarding the killing of the deer -it wasn't really with my bare hands. There was a gun involved.
I will email you the link for the Martin info.

And regarding just about being done raising the children, YAYUH! Ok, enough. I don't want to jinx it and become a grandmother before I'm 40.

D.B. Echo said...

That picture has left me speechless for almost a week.

The tooth looks like it was broken the hard way. It reminds me of the time my friend broke his leg in a motorcycle accident. His UPPER leg. The thickest bone in the body, and he snapped it.

Nice hair. At first glance, I thought "What's she complaining about? That's really nice hair." 'Cept it's not yours.

I'm trying to avoid making a "Hey, boy, you got a purty mouth" jokes. So let's skip over that.

If you're getting a gold cap, you should just get the Lil Jon full mouth replacement deal!

anne said...

d.b.echo-
The hair, I know. His hair is about down to the middle of his back and blonde and beautifully healthy. I live vicariously through my son's hair. And my daughter's too - the silky, shiny, wavy brunette. Where did this hair come from? Not me. Maybe my husband. Or the mailman.