A Discussion on...Boobies

Ok, first of all, I am going to type two versions of this entry - one for the guys and one for the ladies. I figure this would make it easy on everyone. The guys will be first - Ladies, you can just scroll down to Version #2.

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Version 1 - For the Guys

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, boobies, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, boobies, bitch, bitch, bitch, boobies, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, boobies, bitch, bitch, bitch.


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Version 2 - For the Ladies

I was getting ready for work this morning, picking out the necessary items for the day's ensemble, when I discovered, much to my chagrin, that my normal stand-by bras were both in the laundry on the "to do" list. Sigh. Yes, I said "both". I have, literally, two bras that I can live with - at least for work. I do have a few sportster models but, as a professional woman, I cannot go into the office with a uniboob, even if it would stay put during a 9.6er on the Richter scale. All I had left to pick from were those bras that we all keep but pretty much never wear.

The choices were slim at best. I had to finally settle on the Victoria's Secret Hydraulic Lift 4100PP (pastel pink). This thing is a work of genius that any civil engineer would be proud to lay claim to. It features Super-Squish Gel Lifterators, reinforced with rebar, all cleverly hidden in pink satin covered concrete cups. It is the bra Wonder Woman would wear.

After I finished my shower, I put it on and...hey, wait a minute...something is wrong here. What are...why...Oh my God! I have boobies! There they were all of sudden like. I vaguely remember having boobies as a teenager but then, after the children came along, they disappeared to what I refer to as the Mother Earth Effect.

The Mother Earth Effect is simply this: We all know the earth is mother of every tiny living cell out there. We also know the various things moms tend to yell to her children. At some point in every woman's life, Mother Earth will yell to the boobies, "I said, 'Get down here RIGHT NOW!'" And there they go. So, imagine my surprise when the prodigal boobies came home to roost...so to speak.

I pulled my top on and glanced in the mirror. Boobies. No doubt about it, they were definitely there. I mean, they were really there. Like, they were so there I would have to introduce them to my clients during the day. "Hello, I'm Mrs. Quintessence and this is Righty and Lefty." It definitely was not going to work.

I went back to my drawer and rummaged around some more. Finally, from the deep, dark depths of the bra drawer, I found it: The Battle Bra. That is the name my husband gave to it mainly, I think, because it has the structural integrity of full armor. Plus it's been around a while and looks like it might have been through a battle or two. Ok, maybe ten or twelve. Oh, for Pete's sake, it went through the freaking Hundred Years' War, Ok? At any rate, it would have to do - anything to restabalize my center of balance.

I put the Hydraulic LIft 4100PP back into the drawer for another day. You just never know when you might have to jump into that invisible plane...