Thursday, September 22, 2005

The Gweathest Thweeper Of Aw Thime


It's the end of a long day and I'm going on about 1 1/2 hours of sleep so I'm just about ready to crash and burn pretty hard. See, I have this little issue with an uncooperative disc in my neck and the end result is apretty constant migrain. On the bright side, I get to spend a lot of time under the influence of pain killers and muscle relaxants. Whoopee!

The down side of this - um, other than addiction and probably some long term nasty side effects - is that they don't really affect me the way you would think. Sure my muscles relax and my pain...well, I wouldn't say it really gets killed...more gets distracted. Or I do. But the sleepy side effect? Nope. Nil. Nyet. Not happenin'. As a matter of fact, I get pretty wound up. So, at the end of a particularly fulfilling day at the real estate office, I come home with a bass rhythm in my head that would put me well in the ribbons at any IASCA event. I could just see me now...standing in the lot amongst the Honda Civics and Monte Carlos - my blood vessuhls droppin' the bass line so bad, biggest dayum headache ah evuh had, I'm gonna kick all yo'asses - you know what ah'm sayin', 'cause ah got a hundred thousand watts bangin on mah brayun'...word.

Or something like that.


I come home with the migrain, take the medicine and then I'm up until all hours of the night. Or morning as the case was this fine first day of Autumn. The last time I allowed myself to look at the clock it was 4am. On the occasions I do manage to sleep, it is usually with my jaw clenched. So guess what? I wake up with a headache as well. Ah, me. My hubby keeps telling me to get one of those mouthpiece things to put in my mouth when I go to sleep. The only problem with that is that when I'm out shopping, I'm not thinking of sleeping. Or not sleeping. Consequently, I end up buying towels or something but not a mouthpiece. I suppose I could put a towel in my mouth but, really, I don't want to wake up with a literal case of cotton mouth.


I come home from work again and decide that nothing would be better for me than a shopping trip with my husband. To the mall. Right.

Actually, it wasn't bad at all other than the fact that I was so sleep deprived I was becoming a little punchy and silly. (I was a little paunchy too but that has nothing to do with anything.) So I danced to the groovy Kmart tunes while my hubby tried to do the shopping.

He's going to West Virginia on a whitewater rafting trip tomorrow. I would go can I put the words "squeal like a pig" mean anything to anyone? No, actually I went a few years ago and figured I'd let the old man do a guy weekend thing. It was my job to be the entertainment on the shopping trip for the supplies.

He was concerned about things like batteries and toothpaste and stuff. I, on the other hand, reminded him of such necessities as Halloween hillbilly teeth. So he can fit in with the locals, you know. He also bought a set for his brother.

Whilst perusing the Halloween aisles, I came across a pair of green rubbery hands that you wear like gloves over your own less rubbery hands. The tag on them said "Soft PVC Monster Hands". I told my hubby "I've never seen a Soft PVC Monster but, by the looks of these hands, it must be a pretty impressive creature." And so I wore them around the store for the rest of the shopping trip. I put them back before we left but I'm thinkin' I'll have to go back and by them. Maybe I'll be a Soft PVC Monster for Halloween. I'm thinking that would be a grand idea. Or, I'll just get the hands and wear them to work. Like a Soft PVC Monster disguising itself as a real estate agent. I could show a house to clients and when I reach my hand out to open, say, the basement door, they would notice my hands and scream, "AAAAHHHH! A Soft PVC Monster! AAAAHHHH!" Wicked scarey!

Anyway, when we got home, hubby was sorting through his stuff and suddenly tossed a little bag my way. I opened it up and what do you know, he bought me a mouthpiece! All together now...AAAAAAAWWWWWWWW! He's so nice like that. So I immediately ripped it open and stuck it in and began to thalk like thith.

Me: Thith ith umcomfthobo.
Hubby: What?
Me: Umcomfthobo. Thith ith. Thith thingh. Ah thah inthucthuns with thith?
Hubby: You're weird.
Me: Ahm weeod? AHM weeod? Yo thu one who wanth me thoo wah thith thingh.
Daughter: What are you doing?
Me: Who meh?
Daughter: Yeah, you.
Me: Ahm thwyin' thith thingh owt thath Thaddy both thor meh.
Daughter: What? What is that thing in your mouth?
Me: Mah mouth thingh. (I beging to shadow box at my daughter.) Ah fwowt wike a buthuhfwy an thing wike a bee.
Daughter: Yeah, ok.
Me: No, weewee. Ah do. Wook. Ahm fwowtin wike a buthuhfwy.
Daughter: Whatever.
Son (to Daughter): Your dog tinkled.
Daughter: Where?
Son: That's part of the fun - finding out where!
Daughter: Come on...
Me (boxing at my family): Fwowtihng wike a buthuhfwy, thinghihng wike a bee!
Hubby: I think you need to go to bed.

I looked at the baggy and, sure enough, there were instructions. You're supposed to plop the mouthpiece into a pot of boiling water and, after 30 seconds, take it out - with a set of tongs as per instructions - then grab it with your hand and put it right in your mouth! From the boiling water! Right into your mouth! How crazy is that? But, see here! The instructions say that "it will not burn". I crap you not.


Forgive me but I'm a little leary on that one.

And then you are supposed to mold it to you top teeth, biting down and sucking out all of the air. After that, you quickly put it into cold water, thus setting the mold.

Well, I figured they must know what they're talking about so I plopped it into the boiling water. Look at clock. Look at pot. Look at clock. Look at pot. Look at clock. Look at pot. I was getting a little nervous that I wouldn't get it out in time and wind up overcooking it and loosing all the flavor and valuable nutirients so I decided I would hold onto to it with the tongs and then I could spirit it out of the water when the time was up. Unfortunately, I was a little too enthusiastic with the tongs and started to squish the mouthpiece. It was sticking to the tongs and I started to panic. I shook them around and the mouthpiece popped off into the pot.

Check the clock. 30 SECONDS IS UP!!! OH NO!!!!

I really started to panic and desperately fished around the pot for the mouthpiece. I finally managed to grab it and, in my frenzy to mold it to my teeth, I stuck everyting in my mouth.

The mouthpiece did not burn at all.

The metal tongs burned like a mother.

Me: AAAAAAA! OOOooowwwwWWWW! OOOOWWWW! Mah mowth! Ith boownd! OOOOWWWWW!
(Biting down, sucking air.)
Me: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Mah wip. Ah boownd mah wip. Owwwwwww......

I took it out and ran it under cold water and put it back in.

Me: Aaaaahhhhhhhh..... tha feewth gooth.

Now I am off to bed to see how things will go. Hopefully I will thweep wike a buthuhfwy and dweem wike a bee.
An tho, ah bidth you aw "Goothnith".


okiehillgirl said...

Goth! Ah beth you aawf thfun ath pawthees!

Mind if I add your site to my links?

tony c'minksy said...

The Soft PVC Monster rises from his double-wide burried beneath a landfill...
Breaking down a kitchen door he stumbles into the house and turns the plumbing soft. Your pipes just get all gooshy and collaspe while you're taking a bath or washing your poodle in the sink.

He is only repelled by COPPER PIPES or STRICT ADHERANCE to Local Building Codes.

He often leaves his hands for real estate executives to find and wear mockingly, not knowing that the seed-pod hands graft themselves to the wearer permanently!

While wearing the monster hands, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should the person try on hats, or worse, place anything in their mouth (like a dental mouthpiece, for instance) as these also could become PERMANENTLY FUSED to the wearer's head.

anne said...

You haven't been to a party until you party with me! And it's not just because I bring pain killers. It's really because I can hokey pokey like no one else! Shake it all about, baby!
Link away!

Thank you so much for the warning! And thank goodness the Soft PVC monster didn't find the bedroom toys! Yikes!
Ok, that was uncalled for. But, really, someone had to say it - it might as well be me.