Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sunday! Sunday! Sisterly Advice So Fun Day!

Wecome, dear readers!

I trust you all had a grand laugh at the Ugly Sister Smackdown yesterday? The material is just too rich! No chocolate sauce needed.

Anyway, back to the business at hand which is guiding the misdirectable. Or misdirecting the gullible.

Let's see what we have today...

Should you ever Google search people you used to know after getting a mild anxiety attack after writing a blog post? And if you do, and feel slowly but surely a big L popping out on your forehead when you find them, what should you do? Moreover, if your own sister is funny and even started a blog but keeps forgetting to write in it, what do you do? start your own Wyrd Sisters competition?

Dear Wyrd Sister,

Ah...the old Post Traumatic Google Search Post Mild Anxiety Attack Post Blog Post Syndrom, more commonly known as PTGSPMAAPBP. It is referred to as the "Syndrom that is sweeping the nation" in the latest issue of the New England Journal of Medicine and, luckily for you, the article was written by yours truly. So, you have indeed, come to the right place.

We are going to have to approach this like learning to dance to Cajun music and take it one step at a time. Although, unlike Cajun dancing, there are more than just two steps.

Let's first look at the post blogging anxiety attack. I've never had an anxiety attack so I'm going to have to be a bit imaginative here. I am going to assume for the sake of Pete that the anxiety attack was somehow related to the blog post in question. Perhaps you were posting some supersecret, um...your 14 year old fantasy about Scott Baio, with all the cheesey parts. ACK! Enough to give anyone a panic attack! Here are some questions to keep in mind before clicking on that shiny orange "Publish Post" button.

1 - Will this post possibly cause irreparable damage to my reputation/marriage/family/career/brain/etc.?

2 - Will this post cause irreparable damage to someone else's reputation/marriage/family/careet/brain/etc.?

3 - How much money do I stand to make if I do/don't publish this?

4 - On a scale of 1 - 10, how entertaining would the average Joe find this post?

5 - Am I using my blog as a confessional? If so, did I make sure to include all the bad parts?

6 - What would my mom think if she read this post?

7 - More importantly, what would the Ugly Sisters' mom think if she read this post?

Once you have looked deep inside yourself and answered those questions - with a heartfelt and honest answer - once you can say "Oh my God, yes!" or "It can never be!", once you are sure - Sure! - of each and every potential outcome of this post, once you have slowly and deliberately analyzed the crap out of it... yell "Bombs away!" and click on the orange button. Because if your gonna write it, you may as well put it out there damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead. Then drink a big bottle of wine to calm your nerves.

Now, about the Googling part. You should always Google people you used to know right after you have blogged something potentially volatile and drinking a bottle of wine. Always.

The best first place to start is with old boy friends, but first, get another bottle or three of wine to sip on. As you slowly but surely feel the capital L creeping out on your forehead, drink some wine. Nothing dulls an L like a lot of wine.

Then look for guys that you wanted to be your boyfriend. After that you can move on to those people that were always so awesome and popular and you envied so much. Google them. Then Google the guys that you would probably still consider having as a boyfriend if you weren't all growed up and married.

After about the third bottle of wine, you will be ready for step three: try to find phone numbers or email addresses of these people. And when you do? Give them a call! Send them and email! They would probably LOVE to hear from you!

I do this All. The. Time. And I can't tell you how surprized people are to hear from me! They are always like "Who?" and "Why are you calling me?"

Oh, it's boat loads of fun.

The next morning when the wine fog starts to lift and the memories of the previous night come Cajun dancing back into your brain, the anxiety causing blog post will suddenly seem not all that big a deal anymore.

Now, about your sister, by all means use whatever tactics you have at your disposal to get her writing. Maybe you might want to pick themed topics ala the Ugly Sisters' example. Maybe work her into it slowly, say, picking a theme for a week - one post a week. That doesn't seem like too much.

If that doesn't work, guilt and embarrassment are mighty tools as well.

And that, folks, is a wrap.

Good luck, and good luck. Now go get 'em!


Ugly Sister 2


This post was brought to you by NaBloPoMo and Perrier.


Julie Pippert said...

Somehow...for some reason...I have my doubts I can dance like a Cajun, even with three bottles of wine and Cajun ancestors. (Just typing that makes me feel all GERD-y. The wine part, not the ancestor part, although they have been know to cause reflux, too.)

I can safely say I feel good about the blog post. I could say that even before the plethora of validating comments.

The anxiety attack was about the song the exboyfriend wrote which was in the same ball park with Lily Taylor's Corey Flood in Say Anything endlessly droning on about how Joe sucked her heart out of her body and ate it for fun. I claimed the song died in high school but then my sister said, "Oh yeah him, he was really talented, I bet he did become a famous musician!"

So then I panicked that out there was a Julie Sucks song and OMG the karma.

So I meant to Google him but couldn't remember his last name. Thus, I tried Googling around him and found other people...all of whom did Big Important Successful Things like win awards and get IMDB pages.

And there you have it. As your sister put inevitable hike up Loser Mountain, upon the tippy top of which I apparent got drunk and danced a Cajun jig (are there Cajun jigs? Or are they more like reels?)

Actually, that sounds so much better than ego tantrum pity party I threw. LOL

Using My Words

steph said...

oh, i love the internet. i love the google search, and the myspace search....hours of fun. and, i have karma, because in this past week, THREE people from the past have found me!

sadly, it totally made my day!

Jozet said...

Any Googling anxiety is all worth finding just that one photo of Ralph Mohutsky looking all swarthy, lol.